#i feel like im entering a fucking depressive state but how am i supposed to know

[rainbowroadonsteroids]

I absolutely hate how some college professors make flexibility so fucking difficult or just barely touch on semi-big projects; then if you email them telling them you need an extension/won't get it done on time your only response is "you should have read the syllabus" and they give you shit for it.

I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm still in HS but I'm in a type of HS where I'm doing college work as well as regular schoolwork. I'm in my final fucking year and I'm trying to push as hard as possible but God is it difficult. I'm already taking one course where I have to do three concert reviews to fulfil a secondary requirement, plus I don't want to go all the way out to Cleveland for a single concert.

I found out last fucking night I have a diversity immersion assignment where I have to call and schedule an appointment with a nonprofit/some sort of cultural place and just go talk to them, and I'm glad I checked so maybe I have at least a small chance of getting an appointment tomorrow or Saturday because the assignment is due Saturday. It really is not much but boy is it fucking inconvenient.

I know I could have checked the course calendar or looked at the assignment ahead of time but I'm too fucking exhausted to. I don't want to. I already have a research essay and final for this class so why bother. Part of me is fried to the point I just don't want to do the assignment but I have to if I want to maintain a good grade and not fucking tank the class as a whole.

Just this slight inconvenience ruined my night, I fucking had a breakdown before I went to sleep because of this shit. I wish I would have gotten maybe a small heads-up earlier like, "Just so you all know, there is an assignment coming up which requires you to get in touch with a place and get involved with talking to a representative, so plan adequately and make your appointments soon."

And the fucking window for this assignment opened Monday. So literally unless you looked at the course calendar. But oh wait, all it says is it's due. Not how to do it just that it's due. So I literally just have a slight window telling me that I have to do this.

I know, it's my fault. I should be less of a fucking lazy dumbass and actually pay attention to shit. I only have like a few fucking weeks left before Winter Break and yet here I am holding on my threads. I wait until the last minute to do everything because it stressed me out. I don't study when I get home because it stresses me out. I just play video games in hopes of relaxing, I draw in hopes of relaxing, I message my friends in hopes of relaxing.

In the end am I really allowed to relax? Or do I have to walk on eggshells knowing I probably have a major assignment due next week? I can't enjoy my weekends because of some lurking dealing. I want to shave my head so badly because I keep feeling like I want to pull my own hair out but I also don't because I have a fucking double chin and I'd look like an egg. I went to rip my own nails put sometimes so I don't constantly bite them, I want to do something but it feels like every thought now isn't good. I'm not thinking of certain thoughts, just those slight internal thoughts you have to go against.

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

i want to ask for help. but i cant tell when would be a good time. because u've said before that therapy doesnt work unless YOU want it to, and i dont know WHEN i will want to. i just know that ive been feeling like this for as long as i can remember and that if i dont do SOMETHING about it, i might not even live.

i feel like im scared to ask for help because what if? what if i actually do better? i cant imagine living without thinking about dying every second. there is a scary sense of comfort in it, but its familiar and its me but its ME and i dont want it like that.

i,,, i dont know why this is going to you, but i do know i admire your opinions and i guess i just want to know. when. when does it get better.

When... hmm, as Yoongi has said before, these kinds of feelings are like seasons. I don't personally think they ever "go away" - you have good times and bad times, sometimes with reason, sometimes for no reason at all. At least, that's how it is with me. Going to put the rest under a break.

"Get better" is a vague term. You can argue you're already "getting better" because you recognize something needs to change, but that doesn't really feel statisfying because you're still in the same mental state, right? Then, is "getting better" a generalized state of more happiness? Could be. But, if you've always been in the darkness, well, shit, how are you supposed to know the light is the light? You've never seen it before. Then, does "getting better" mean... being like everyone else around me that seems like they're "good"?

That's the greatest lie of all.

I've said therapy doesn't work unless you want it to, not because you need to feel a certain measure of desire to change, but because you can't walk in there thinking the therapist is going to change you. If you have the means to try, you should to to therapy and just try it, because knowing you need to do something indicates that you already want to change. Reaching out to someone, stranger or not, already indicates you don't want to be like this forever. It might work, it might not. Therapy really depends on the therapist and finding a good fit is very difficult.

I'm going to tell you a bit about my journey. I have no idea if it will help you, but maybe you're interested.

I grew up not knowing love. My parents had an arranged marriage and, in their case, they did not love each other. Probably still don't. They're still married. I guess they tolerate each other, I don't know. In any case, it was very dysfunctional. I didn't know anything about maintaining healthy relationships, showing affection, or the value of people. I was seen as a means to an end, not really as their child. It was mostly my mom, but my dad was neglectful and wasn't really part of my life even though he was there the entire time. Because of this, I didn't value myself. I became very depressed and, if you've read my work, there's hints of what I've done to myself. I thought about dying. A lot. All the time. Planned it, dreamed it, wished for it.

Then, I moved out and entered the next phase of my life. Made a shit ton of mistakes. Destroyed friendships, had a ton of questionable relationships, chased love that was never there, fell apart. I was an "adult" but I was still the same - still wanted off this fucking Earth. But there was a difference. This time, I finally realized something.

These had be been my desicions.

My choices put me in that position. Nobody made me do anything. I was being self-destructive because I wanted to. And just like how I put myself there, I could take myself out.

So I did.

Not easily, mind you, but I did. I switched my surroundings again, put myself among people who had my best interests in mind, found my close friends, had a great time. Did shit everyone else did, went on cute dates, hung out with friends, traveled a lot, took pictures of delicious food, had an Instagram life.

Hated it.

I wasn't myself. I had pushed down my past and pretended like that shit wasn't real. I had a good life, so I'm good, right? I'm cured! I have what everyone else wants - I do what I want, have a good job and loving people around me. Yeah, no. I was "better", but I wasn't better. Far from it. I used to draw, write, create. In this phase I did none of that. I felt empty. But I was happy! Shit, what else can I do?

And then I discovered BTS.

Music does a lot of things. In my life, they defined the phases of my life. Rock and metal saved me from ending it when I was stuck in the darkness. In the time of empty happiness, I listened to music, but nothing stuck. I did, however, broaden my horizons and listen to everything, finally learning that all music has its merits and that I could find something I liked in nearly every genre.

However, I wasn't committing to anything, and that was because I couldn't commit to myself.

At first when I listened to BTS, I thought they were really cool. I went from era to era, mostly listening to title songs. Then I was bored and listened to their other stuff. I was curious about the lyrics I liked. They were usually rapped by this one guy, and I learned to recognize his voice and wait for his parts, because they always ended up being my favorite.

Yeah, just guess who it is. :)

I thought, well shit, I have no idea what he's saying. I should look it up. Went to look up the lyric translations of their songs, finding SUGA's parts and yet another epiphany.

Why am I pretending?

I'm reading these lyrics and I'm like, shit. This is it. This is me. These are all thoughts I've thought and they're here. They're real. Someone else thought them in the same way I have. And I am, indeed, still feeling these things, but pretending I'm not. Pretending it's impossible to acknowledge the person I am, that teenager wondering why I have to live when I could just fucking not, and who I've become, an adult with no sense of self but happy, and how they somehow can't coexist even though they already do. They're all me.

It wasn't very fun facing those feelings again, but I did it because I needed it. I needed to work through them and stop pretending so I could be myself. And now I am, because I can see it. You can see it. I create, not for anyone, but because this is me.

Maybe a little hypersexual. Kind of insane. Borderline cocky (but I am hot though, I'm just saying). I write, I draw, I create, I have fun, I cry, fuck, I do it all (swallow dick real fucking well too!). I do everything I want to and live how I want to.

This is just one way, one life among billions. You might not go though this (technically, you're already on the BTS phase, you know) and most likely your journey will be different. Because "getting better" is a personal thing. It is what you want in life, who you want to be, and I didn't know who I wanted to be until I lived though all kinds of shit, learning about other people's lives, and found someone who let me know, hey, you can brush past or you can soak into a heart. Change will always happen. You can live however you like. In some ways, you grow up and become an adult. In some ways, you stay the same, always young, always learning, always growing up. Sometimes people give up their young self because they think they have to. And maybe they do. You don't really have to though. You only have to be open to the idea there is also comfort in other things, that the you that you've known all your life is not the only you that will be.

To live a full life is to have many things, not physically, but mentally - memories, thoughts, past, present, whatever you want to hold on to, hold on to. No one can take them away from you. You will become more than just that. Every day, you will wake up to a new self that encompasses all your other selves before that. If you're impatient and want it now, run. Read up on things, surround yourself with all kinds of people, try activities you've always wanted to try, experience shit and find out what you like, what you hate, what you can modify to suit you better.

Find out what it means for you to get better and you'll discover, hey.

You're already there.

[sunsinrinn]

Secrets Part 8.

Bakugo x reader, Bakugo x Uraraka, Kirishima x Reader

Fluff- ish, language, angst

Word Count: 1,520

Idea: Y/n has a secret to share with bakugo not expecting a secret from him. She leaves heart broken and attempts to move on. But how will she move on if her secret can no longer be hidden? She fakes a relationship hoping its enough to not expose the true origin of the secret. (This is a terrible summary but I cant say much without spoiling future parts. 🙃)

Earlier,

Kirishima was walking to the cafe to meet up with Bakugo. God he hoped Bakugo was actually wanting to apologize. He hated that he hated him. He wished he could hate him, but being his best friend for years, and *maybe* wanting to be more than friends with him just make it impossible to hate him. Yes, he was furious for treating you like he did because he loved you too.

When he arrives at the cafe, he takes a deep breath before entering. When he’s inside he looks for him but cant find him. Not until he sees a hobo looking man with oddly familiar hairstyle. He approaches Bakugo and notices he was not in the best place, mentally and physically.

“Bakugo” kirishima’s voice is soft but still causes Bakugo to jump.

“Oh its you Kirishima.”

“Yeah, what did you want to talk about?”

“Right to the point I see...

I- I just want to apologize for the pain Uraraka and I caused Y/n-“

“Shouldn’t you be saying this to Y/n?”

“I- yes but I wanted to talk to you first... Look, the day of the baby shower after I left I saw Uraraka fucking another guy in my house.”

“Seems like you got what you deserve then. Is this why you’re apologizing?”

“Kirishima! Let me fucking talk shitty hair”

“Fine. Continue.”

“THANK YOU! Anyways, I yell at her to leave and before she does, she said something about manipulating me into cheating on y/n. I asked how she did it but she said it was a secret. I was confused because i don’t fucking remember being manipulated in any way. But anyway, She said she only slept with me to hurt Y/n. And then she was the anonymous tip that told the news and everyone y/n was cheating on me. To hurt her.”

“Wait- URARAKA WAS THE LEAK-“ Kirishima looks pissed of as hell.

“Yes, and I did not know anything about it. After she left I fell into a depression.” Bakugo looks embarrassed to admit that.

“Shit Bakugo, is that why you look like shit?”

“I don’t look like shit, thank you very much.”

“You do.” Kirishima feels bad for Bakugo, and without thinking he asks,

“Why don’t you come live with us for a while?”

Bakugo looks taken aback and hesitates.

“Are you sure Y/N would even want me there?”

“I don’t know... but I doubt she would refuse you, especially in your state.”

Bakugo looks conflicted about the offer but finally speaks up.

“I’ll go... but only if she agrees first.” Bakugo says in hopes to be able to talk to you and apologize and take him back. No, you won’t you have Kirishima...

Kirishima, the man who stuck with him through thick and thin, until he didn’t. He really did miss you and he also missed his best friend. He knew that if he never knew you, he would have dated Kirishima, but Kirishima doesn’t like guys. And now he has you and his kid.

Kirishima nods and nervously dials your number.

When you pick up both men perk up at your voice,

“Hello? Kirishima? What’s up?”

“Hey Y/N! How was the appointment? Is Mina there? MINA WHATS THE GENDER?”

“IM NOT TELLING YOUR ASS ANYTHING, KIRISHIMA! YOU KNOW THAT!”

You laugh and shake your head, “What’s up Kiri, why’d you call?”

He’s silent and sighs, and he hears your voice ask nervously,

“Kiri?”

“Y/n.. I need to ask something of you.”

He hears silence and thinks you’ve hung up but soon hear a response,

“What is it?” You ask shakily fearing the worst.

“I- I don’t know how to phrase this but I finished talking to Bakugo.”

“How’d that go.”

“Well he told me a few things. And he does not look like he is in a good place right now...”

“Oh no...” he hears sadness in your voice.

“And I suggested him live with us for a while....”

He hears your hushed voice talking to someone else, who he assumes is Mina.

After a minute of silence he hears you speak up again and Bakugo listens closely for your response.

“Kiri... I- I- yeah, its fine...” you sound unsure.

“Y/n if you dont want him there you can say so...”

“No no, its fine...”

Bakugo’s face falls at her answer sensing how sad and unsure you sound.

“T-thank you so much Y/n” Bakugo says.

There’s silence but again you speak up, “Y-yeah anytime.”

“I gotta go Kirishima. I’ll see you and Bakugo when you both get home then”

“Bye y/n, love you and see you soon. Tell Mina I said good bye as well”

You hum in response and hang up.

Kirishima and Bakugo get up and leave the cafe and head to Bakugo’s house to pick up a few things.

When Kirishima enters his house, he notices how overwhelmingly pink it is, “I didn’t know you liked pink...”

“I hate the fucking color. That bitch decorated the house like this.”

“Oh, okay. Well if you want me to help you pack a few bags?”

“Sure, make yourself useful”

Kirishima sighs but goes into the bedroom and helps him pack clothes.

After a moment of silence Bakugo speaks up

“Thank you.”

Kirishima looks up confused and bakugo elaborates more

“Thank you for hearing me out and taking me in”

“Oh- yeah anytime”

“Did- did taking me in bother y/n?”

Kirishima thinks for a while before answering,

“I don’t think she was bothered but more taken aback by the news.”

Bakugo hums, “You asked about the gender of the baby?”

“Oh yeah- Mina and her were going today to find out the gender but Mina won’t tell us. She’s hosting a gender reveal party. But only because she wants to one up Izuku and Shoto, since they’re the god parents.”

Bakugo nods sad that you’re building a life with out him. He really misses you and misses Kirishima.

After finishing packing they head home. Bakugo pays close attention to where they turn so he remembers where you live and sees the apartments right ahead.

As they reach the apartment and walk inside, it looks two times bigger than it should.

“Oh yeah, forgot to mention, we knocked down the wall separating mine and her apartment so now its one huge apartment.”

Bakugo just nods and stares at you as you come out of the kitchen. He notices your wobbling a bit and thinks again about how you’re way to big to only be 4-5 months pregnant, but that would mean you were pregnant with his child.

“Hey guys. Do you guys want anything specific for dinner?” You ask maintaining eye contact with Kirishima.

“Um, I don’t know yet, Bakugo?”

“Huh- oh whatever you guys want...”

You purse your lips but speak again, “Here then, I’ll help take your things to your room”

As you reach for his bags he pulls them away, you glare and Kirishima hands you a bag, “Best not argue or resist against her Bakugo. She’s in the mood swing stage” Kirishima jokes and you send him a fake glare.

“Wow- Kirishima so fucking mean.”

You grab the bag and head to Bakugo’s room. Both follow you and notice you had already fixed up the room for him to his liking. You set the bag down on the bed and head out.

“I’m going to lay down for a bit Kiri, and then I’ll start dinner.”

“Take your time babe”

Both men begin to unpack and put away Bakugo’s things and once they finish they smell food and head out to see you setting the plate down.

“Good, you both are here. Dinners ready.”

They are about to sit but you stop them. “Did any of you wash your fucking hands?”

The look on their face as they get up and clean up is hilarious

As soon as they are done, the three of you sit and eat in silence.

After dinner you pick up the dishes but Bakugo insists on cleaning them as a thank you, you finally relent and sit on the couch with Kirishima. Once Bakugo finishes he lets you both know he is retiring to bed.

As soon as he walks out, you look over at Kirishima when he clears his throat.

As soon as Bakugo heard kirishima clear his throat he stands still and listened to what they were saying.

“So, Y/N does it bother you that he is here?”

You stay silent for a while before answering with a simple no.

“Y/n, are you sure? I can always tell when something is wrong...”

“It doesn’t bother me Kiri, I’m just afraid he will find out the fucking truth. I mean its not long before i POP out the kid. He will know that I lied about how far along I am... I don’t want him to know he is the fucking father-“ you says kinda loudly.

“I get it y/n, but he looked so vulnerable and alone, I couldn’t leave him like that...”

“I know baby, I wouldn’t either...”

Bakugo freezes when he hears your words

‘IT’S MY FUCKING KID SHE IS CARRYING’

SERIES MASTERLIST — Part 9

A/N- three chapters in one day? Granted, one was supposed to be posted yesterday, but anyways- i HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS CHAPTER. I hope you guys tell me what you think- its spicy- anyways

If you’d like to be tagged in future parts or future works dont hesitate to dm, ask, or comment! I hope you guys had a lovely day today! Also if you asked to be tagged and I didnt tag you send me a dm so I can fix it :)

@hero-ink-pillar , @silentw-lkr , @ushiwakatrash , @purple-rabanito , @chaelysian , @puppycat714 , @fake-id-69 , @adaydreaminganon , @jessie9008 , @sam-i-am-1025 , @purple--nebula , @curiouslilbeast , @httpswwwtbhkcom , @setup-the-ace

[uzuitengensfourthwife]

Again. (Chrollo x Reader)

A scenario in which you forgive him... again.

warnings: none really, its just a tiny tiny bit angst

word count: 2848

authors note: well... idk.. I felt kinda okay writing this? Still Im sorry if its sloppy or shitty to you

He was gone for a year now, a whole damn year without telling anyone, not even you. One day he was calling you and not letting go of you and the next day he is gone. He left without leaving any trace, it was like he has never existed. Even when you tried to contact the authorities, he seemed to not exist. At first, you cried and sobbed and didn’t move an inch. In fact, you were a depressed little piece of shit, for a total of 3 long months. But after some time, your sadness turned into anger and therefore you promised to beat the crap out of him once he turns up in front of your door again. You wanted to make sure, that once he enters this very apartment, that a fucking shoe would hit his face. No roses, no necklaces and no chocolates could make up for his disappearance and you had to make sure not to fall for his lovey-dovey talk about how sorry he was. This time, oh this time his little game wouldn’t work on you.

And you had to admit, you weren’t really sure when he would appear again, but you were already mentally preparing yourself to yell at him.

And yet, at the same time your thoughts showed that no matter what would happen, you missed him a lot. Gosh, you weren’t even sure if you were able to keep up that act once he’s in front of you. Will you be able to be mad at him? Or will you cry like a child, that has been deprived of their lollies? You weren’t sure, in fact everything could happen.

Then suddenly, your doorbell rang. You turned around, a bit confused, you had to say.  It was late after all, probably 11 PM and you were sitting here and working still. For a short moment, you hoped that it would be your lover, however there was no certain prove that would support your assumption. You assumed that it would be one of your neighbours, so you answered quickly. ,,Coming!’’

You got up hastily, making your way to the door, just to unlock it with your keys and then opening it. But once you finally looked at who was standing in front of you, you couldn’t bring out a word. You were standing there, in a trance. Here he was. He was back. Finally, he was back.

,,Darling.’’ The man in front of you greeted, a bouquet of flowers in his right hand and a little box in the other. He spread his arms a bit more just to gesture that he was waiting for a hug. But you didn’t move, not even an inch. ,,Chrollo…’’ you whispered, your voice so quiet and shaky, probably from the shock, the sudden surprise. The sight suddenly seemed to get blurry, indicating your eyes that started to get all wet and watery. ,,No need to cry darling, I’m back.’’ A smile appeared on his face as he stepped closer, still holding the flowers and the little present.

But your sudden sadness then turned into anger. He DARED to show up in THE MIDDLE of the night, just like that. You were about to lose it.  In fact, you were about to punch him right on his nose, because that’s what he deserves. Punches and pain. ,,You..’’ you hissed, stepping closer and pointing at him with your finger. His expression changed in no time and confusion was plastered all over his face. ,,You left me, without telling me. You left no traces, you disappeared. YOU made me feel like shit. Do you REALLY think that flowers and some necklace you stole are going to make up for it? Go to fucking hell.’’

After this little threatening speech of yours, it should’ve made him feel guilty, it was supposed to scare him off. To make him cry. To make him SEE what HE did wrong.

But all you got as a reaction was him laughing at you like you’ve just told some funny joke. He didn’t take you seriously. God, he never did.

So you frowned, you really wanted to scold him again, however he seemed to be faster. ,, Darling,’’ He said, slowly leaning forward, an amused expression on his face. ,,Yes, I didn’t tell you and yes I did disappear, however I have missed you a lot.’’ He smiled oh so dearly, as he then fully stepped into your apartment, giving you the flowers and the little present.

,,I wasn’t finished-‘’ you started, but he ignored you as he examined your apartment, looking for any changes. Seriously, he was unbearable. ,,You didn’t change much here, still into the same stuff.’’ He stated, without even looking at you, he was still busy with strolling through your apartment. As if there was some kind of hidden treasure in your apartment.

,,Are you still keeping my books?’’ he then asked as he opened a few of your drawers to see if his collection of books were inside of them and god did you want to slap him for leaving such a mess after only returning. He had no respect for you, no that wasn’t it, he just loved to see you all riled up, he found it quite attractive. ,,Quit acting stupid Chrollo, you know where they are.’’ You said through gritted teeth, trying not to give him the satisfaction of your angered behaviour. Gosh did you hate him at some point.

,,Excellent.’’ He exclaimed with a subtle smile, as he then slowly opened the cupboard right next to the TV. His smile only grew bigger as he then quickly grabbed one of the new books you have gotten him last year, but he never got to read them, since he then suddenly disappeared. ,,I couldn’t wait to finally read all of them.’’ - ,,If you would’ve stayed-‘’ you started, only then to get shushed by him, as he stepped awfully close to you. He looked down at you, his smile faded. ,,Darling, I was working and you know how important my work is.’’ Scoffing, you turned away your head, as you answered. ,,You’re a criminal Chrollo. Instead of stealing you could do better things, you could do stuff that is less illegal. For instance, teaching literature.’’

,,Dearest,’’ you glanced at him, not sure what he was about to say. ,,You’re just mad that I’ve been gone for so long. I promise, I’ll tell you next time.’’  He then brushed a strand of your hair behind your ear, softly smiling at you. God, he really was giving you a hard time to be mad at him. But at some point, even you got tired of his promises, of his so called ‘great’ promises, that were nothing but empty promises in the end. The more you tried to believe him, the harder it actually got. You sighed, as you then stepped away, leaving some space between the two of you. ,,That’s exactly the problem. Your empty promises.’’

There was silence, no one talked.

Chrollo was usually a man that respected you and your intentions, he tried to understand you. But this time you could see in his face, that he did not understand you. In fact, you weren’t really able to guess what was going on in his mind, no emotion leaked through his shell. Suddenly, fear hit you. What if he’ll get mad, although you were pretty sure it wouldn’t happen, after all Chrollo never got mad. Not even at you. ,,If my promises were empty, I wouldn’t be right here in front of you.’’ Every other girl would’ve forgotten the fight after his sweet words, but you understood what he really was trying to say. He could drop you at any time, once he’s bored, he could disappear, nothing was really holding him back. Therefore you wouldn’t even know if he’d return after some time or not, you would live in constant fear.

You gulped down your fear and looked at him only to see that his back was facing you, he was looking at a picture of your family. ,,The necklace,’’ he then said, his voice sweet again. ,,You should try it on.’’ You really didn’t want to give in, you were supposed to still be mad at him. Yell at him and throw things at him, just… just were was your anger? What was wrong with you? He did this all the time, was your anger not enough to withstand him? No, IT HAD to be enough. He’s been doing this for five long years now, you really should be able to tell him off.

,,I’ve told you. A stolen necklace won’t make up for it.’’ He turned around, raising an eyebrow at you. You were already preparing yourself to sound as mad as possible, when he suddenly stepped closer and opened his arms. ,,Is a hug what you want? You could’ve just asked dearest.’’ But you weren’t moving. He really made things hard for you. Yes, you did want to hug him at some point since you’ve missed him a lot, but he was giving in way too easily.

After some time, in which you didn’t move, he embraced you in a tight hug, his chin resting on top of your head. The warmth he gave off was soothing, making you feel safe. You didn’t realize how much you’ve missed him until now. ,,Don’t cry darling.’’ He suddenly whispered in your ear, his arms tightening around you, his lips on your forehead. You slowly touched your face and then realized that he wasn’t joking. You were crying in his arms. Pathetic, you thought. You should’ve been mad at him; you should’ve kicked him out. But here you were, crying in his arms for god knows what reason.

The two of you stayed in this position for a while, when he suddenly let go of you, making you look up to him. His eyes were fixed on you, a sweet and kind smile on his lips as he then softly kissed your wet cheeks. ,,Even while crying, you don’t fail to look amazingly beautiful.’’ No no no no, he was doing it again. Complimenting you until you’d apologize for yelling at him, for even doubting his actions. ,,Stop…stop it,’’ You demanded, backing off a bit. ,,You’re always doing this after you come back. You’re always sending me on a guilt trip, when it actually is your fault, not mine.’’ It was hard to read him, but you did realize that he now understood. This time, fooling you was no option.

He sighed and slumped onto a chair that was standing right next to your dining table. ,,Darling,’’ he started as he slowly leaned back. ,,Let’s talk this out tomorrow. I am quite tired, and I bet you are too after all you’ve been working all day.’’ You shook your head, as you then replied. ,, No, let’s talk this out now.’’.

He didn’t answer for a while, he just watched you and tried to see if you wouldn’t change your mind and go to bed with him like a normal couple would. You were sure that he hoped you would change your mind, so you would eventually forget that you were mad at him to begin with.

And of course you didn’t, you had to talk to him, you had to tell him how you’ve felt over these past few years in which he has appeared and disappeared. You just had to fight against the feeling that told you to stop fighting him, you had to be strong in order to achieve at least a tiny bit of change. ,,Okay then. What is it you want to talk about, darling?’’ he probed, sitting up straight and crossing his arms in front of his chest. You took a deep breath as you then began to explain. ,,You hurt me a lot,’’ shortly, you stopped, waiting for a  reaction. However, you continued after a few seconds of silence. ,,You always had me crying when you just disappeared without even leaving a message. And then after months, you just appear again, acting like you’ve never even been gone in the first place.’’ You saw him nodding, showing you that he tried to understand the situation from your point of view. He tried, that didn’t mean he really did understand.

He didn’t answer you for a good while, and in the time, he just observed you in silence, you felt your anxiety giving you a hard time again. It wasn’t like you feared him or anything, it was more of… him having you under complete control. You loved him a lot, and yet you didn’t want him to leave you, despite the little time you have actually spent with him, it felt like you have made the best memories with him, the most valuable. From all the guys you have dated before, it felt like he was the one, you saw yourself with him growing older. Yes, you saw yourself marrying this man, so you thought this was why you couldn’t let go. But still, his unannounced disappearances were still unacceptable.

,,My job brings it’s prices. Unfortunately, this is one of them. I am trying to be with you as often as I can. And for making you cry… that I am sorry for my dear.’’ What was this feeling you felt just now? Sadness, guilt? You were pretty sure it was guilt. The way his eyes were fixed on you, with a saddening shine in them, made your heart ache. All the anger, all the doubt you have felt throughout this whole time have now turned into guilt. You felt bad for doubting him, for being mean to him, even for talking back.

,,Chrollo…’’ you sniffed, letting your feelings take over you. ,,Im sorry… I…I wasn’t thinking.’’ Your eyes were getting watery again, you hated yourself, but you couldn’t hate Chrollo. No matter how hard you tried, you just couldn’t hate him. Gosh, you were such a mess, your feelings were all over the place, you weren’t even sure what you were really feeling right now. In the beginning, you were to make sure that you yelled at him, but over time your feelings for him took over. Even with all the anger that was stored  inside of you, your feelings for him were just so much more stronger. No, he was smart enough to make you feel like that.

,,No tears darling, it’s fine.’’ he whispered, as he approached you and took your hand. You didn’t dare to face him, after the mess you’ve caused, you just felt horrible. ,,You’re tired, lets get you to bed dearest, how does that sound?’’ You nodded as a response, still not having the courage to look him in the eye.

But it didn’t bother him, in fact he has done it again. He had made you give in again. So without exchanging any more words, the both of you got ready for bed. When you were already sitting in bed, he was still in the living room, looking for a new book to read. He seemed content with what he has achieved once more. After all he was able to make you forgive him again.

But you on the other hand already started to regret everything. It was always the same. You always prepared yourself to yell at him, you always were angry when he came home, and yet, once he stood in front of you, you couldn’t resist him anymore. It didn’t really matter how mad you were at him, nor did it matter how much you would doubt him, in the end you would always be the one apologizing and begging for forgiveness. Fights with him were always one sided, he never really talked back, but in the end he always won. No matter how hard you tried.

You sighed, you were really tired. Maybe he was right, maybe you were just too tired to think straight. Jus the fact that you were still working at 11PM showed that you were overworking yourself.

,,You’re still awake darling?’’ you heard him ask, once he entered your bedroom again. You just nodded; you didn’t really have much to say to him anymore. All the bad assumptions and insults about him have left your mind all at once, after you apologized to him. Now, it was him who sighed. He sat down next to you with a book in his hand, he leaned closer. ,,You must’ve been up since 6 am, right? You really deserve to get some rest darling.’’ A smile appeared on his face, as he then softly pecked your lips. His lips were as soft as you remembered them to be. ,,Alright..’’ you whispered tiredly, he was right after all, you were up for too long. His lips then touched your forehead as he whispered a quiet ,goodnight darling’.

And with you let yourself drift to sleep.

Another night in which you let yourself get guilt tripped, oh how you hated yourself.

[rynhaswritersblock]

quaranteens (hc) | p.p.

summary: how you and petey boi spend your quarantine <3

i'm not even writing a warning for this one at this point y'all now how i write HAHA

+ + +

- covid-19

- coronavirus

- lil shitbag asshole virus

- Y'ALL KNOW THE DEAL

- it's QUARANTIME WITH Y/N AND PETER

- let's get it !

being quarantined with peter parker at avengers headquarters

- lots of animal crossing

- like lots

- you and peter visit each other's islands and it's SO FUNNY

- you keep BONKING each other on the head with your nets

- you shake a tree and a wasps nest falls out

- naturally you yell "SHIT" and steve yells "LANGUAGE"

- so you start fucking SPRINTING (in the game lmao) TO RUN AWAY FROM THE WASPS

- AND POOR PETER GETS STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF IT

- AND THE WASPS START FOLLOWING HIM

- AND HE GETS BIT

- you start fucking WHEEZING

- you cannot breathe

- peter just sets the switch down and throws his head back, letting out an annoyed groan/yell

- "bitch ass motherfucker" he whispers as he picks the switch back up

- let's not forget to mention the fact that

- the entire time you and peter are playing

- the two of you are like intertwined

- most of the time your head is in his lap or vice versa

- like y'all get into the WEIRDEST POSITIONS on the couch

- sometimes steve or tony or nat or any of them really will walk by and be like "wtf... kinda cute doe"

- but it's so comfy!!!!!!

- and when y'all play at night it's of course in your rooms

- usually it'll start with the two of you separated

- and then one of you is usually like "why the fuck are we apart right now" and goes into the other's room

- then y'all will get all close to each other and play and there'll just be occasional giggling and tiny conversations and cussing here and there

- peter just starts to HARASS one of ur villagers

- you get a little upset but it's AL so you're like... lol not my problem

- one day peter shows you this tiktok where some couple was playing together and it was like "how me and my bf are spending quarantine apart"

- AND THEIR CHARACTERS ARE LIKE... FUCKING

- BUT ANIMAL CROSSING STYLE

- ANIMAL CROSSING: NEW HORIZONS. RATED E FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!!!

- but you and peter find it SO FUNNY

- SO NATURALLY

- you know what's coming

- YOU AND PETER COPY THEM

- irl the two of you are DYING in his bed

- like rolling all over the place because you're laughing so hard

- peter uses a popper as... you know... and you YELL CAUSE YOU LAUGHED SO HARD

- also it's 4 in the fucking morning

- MEANWHILE

- on the OTHER SIDE OF THE HALL

- sam is FED UP

- !!

- he's like what in the everloving HELL are they DOING!!!

- so

- the man enters the premises like

ಠಿ_ಠ

"what the hell are you two-"

"look!"

- you can barely get that word out because of your laughter

- but you hold up the switch

- sam watches and realizes RIGHT AS PETER USES ANOTHER POPPER

- HE SEES THAT YOU'RE LIKE LAYING DOWN ON THE BED AND HE'S STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU AT YOUR FEET

- the LOOK on his face

- he fucking smiles and buries his face in his hands, shaking his head

- when he finally composes himself his eyes are fucking

watering

"i might just have to get that game.."

- okay that's it for the animal crossing section of this imagine lol i'm obsessed with this game AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE IT

- I HAVE WATCHED FAR TOO MANY VIDEOS

- OKAY MOVING ON!!!!!!!!!!

- the AMOUNT of TV the two of you watch

- the two of you alternate shows you pick (so like peter chooses then you then peter etc etc)

- peter chooses b99 (bae)

- y'all finish that shit in a WEEK

- then you recommend euphoria

- he's like uh okay

- cause he knows how inappropriate that show is lol

- so every time there's a dick on the screen he covers your eyes

- and every time there's b00bies on the screen you cover his

- and some point he's like

"y/n you do realize that i've seen boobs before"

- you're like

- i mean yeah but i refuse to think about that because you're supposed to be innocent and pure and a puppy dsfjkdfnkj

- so you retort

"and you do realize that i've seen a dick before?"

- peter is the more jealous baby

- he pauses the show and shifts his body towards you

"wait, where?"

- you cringe

"some kid i'd just met sent me a dick pic.."

- peter's like okay convo over

- the two of you keep watching but now it's more uncomfortable

- at the end of the episode you were watching (imma say episode two lol)

- you bust out laughing

"you know the kid's dick was like... small, right? like i didn't enjoy receiving that picture? it was unsolicited, peter"

- he laughs lightly

"yeah, okay"

- you poke his cheek

"someone's jealous"

- he gasps

"i am NOT jealous!"

"you just don't like the fact that i've seen a dick"

"i guess, yeah"

"peter, i'm going to eventually"

- the poor kid is like we need to stop talking about penises right the fuck now

- SO YOU TWO KEEP WATCHING

- im so sorry for writing that part in haha it just came to mind and it's CONTENT you know and i really feel like it's a realistic convo to have in that situation

- the last episode makes you cry and you don't even realize you're crying until peter holds you closer and wipes the tear off your cheek

- bae

- let's just say the two of you finished euphoria in a day

- okay also

- DANCE PARTIES!!

- the amount of dance parties the two of you had... insurmountable

- like y'all would be training together and a bop would come on and you'd stop punching just to jump around and make complete fools of yourselves

- the two of you had to have a dance party after finishing euphoria because that shit put you in a FUNK

- but yeah

- dance!!!!!!!!!!!

- okay BAKING!!!!!

- y'all made so much food

- cookies

- cake

- pretzels

- brownies

- like

- never going hungry

- half the time the kitchen is a whole MESS but it's okay cause when you do clean it up you and peter throw bubbles at each other and it's great

- steve swears everyone is going to get so out of shape

- so he comes up with a system

- everyone gets snack time together and then thirty minutes later everyone goes and trains to make up for the extra calories

- and lemme just say

- the training sessions go HARD

- everyone is fucking sugar high it's the most chaotic thing ever

- music blaring

- sam and bucky are wrestling

- tony and steve are arguing in the corner (award for most calories burnt)

- nat and wanda are fighting bruce and pietro and nearly kill each other

- meanwhile you and petey boi are seeing who can do the most complicated gymnastics set

- as soon as the boy does a layout you're like okay BYE

- so yeah

- baking!!!!!!

- time for even more fluff

- cuddling

- oh

- my

- god

- you and peter LITERALLY NEVER LEAVE EACH OTHER

- the two of your are in physical contact 99% OF THE TIME

- and that's mainly peter's fault because he lowkey clingy but YOU LOVE IT

- the two of you build a fort in the commons and have movie marathons along with your tv marathons

- occasionally one or more of the team will come chill with y'all

- there's an overall "no judgment zone" that has been declared at headquarters

- aka mind ya own fucking business

- unless someone is literally in a deep state of depression then something needs to be done

- but like

- literally everyone notices how often the two of you are just intertwined with each other

- it's 🅱razy

- also y'all order tons of pizza

- like tons

- thankfully u and peter are like ayo fast metabolism check! (smh i wish lol once i quit soccer it really hit me OOPS)

- OH AND SCHOOL

- y'all are switched to online school

- you and peter-man get really competitive with it to see who can finish all their work the fastest

- thing is the two of you literally have pretty much identical schedules so you end up going at the same pace to work together

- maybe you help each other on quizzes and tests

- no one will ever know

- and overall you two are lowkey thriving in that department because you end up finishing your work for the week in like two or three days and have the rest of the time to just VIBE

- a/n y'all i seriously recommend actually doing that like i get a SUPER big workload at the beginning of the week and as soon as i can i just ZOOOOOM and try to get it all knocked out and it's honestly really helpful

- obviously this can be really difficult for people who aren't self motivated and maybe depressed but i would just try!! if you can!! okay note over BACK TO THE SHITS N GIGGLES

- so yeah

- i don't really have anything else to say but

- overall being quarantined with peter and the team is really nice and the vibes are THERE

- fuck i got another idea

- okay

- it's the middle of the night and you and peter are watching some movie that netflix autoplayed

- the two of you get a notification and look at your phones at the same time

UPDATE: Midtown School of Science and Technology has now been shut down for the rest of the 2019-2020 school year. Online school will continue.

- the two of you visibly shrink

- deadass

- like you just slump over and toss your phone

- you curl up into the boy and a tear rolls down your cheek cause it finally hits you

- this shit is real..

- you sniffle and peter immediately turns to you and wipes your cheek

"hey, it's okay. i'm here."

"i don't know, i just... miss everyone, i guess."

- he nods

- and then he kisses you

- oh so softly

- i'm here

- ...

- okay MOMENT OVER I CAN'T TAKE HOW SERIOUS THAT WAS

- BASICALLY AFTER THAT YOU TWO DON'T REALLY DECLARE ANYTHING BUT YOU DO SPEND A LOT OF QUARANTINE MAKING OUT.... OOPS

+ + +

thank u for reading loves

MWAH

[citialiin]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm. tagged by: @forseenclade thank you ! man i am so bad at doing memes.  tagging: @blossomingbeelzebug @zhrets @lupichorous @dansiere yayayayayayayaya

My muse is:   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless / complicated [ z/iggy stardust is DEFINITELY not my original character, but 683 is, and every single part of how i rp ziggy from his backstory to his personality was made up by me. that being said, ziggy is still a character that exists in media. ]

Is your character popular in the fandom?  YES / NO. [ im pretty sure ziggy is tied with the thin white duke as one of b*wie’s most famous fictional personas? ]

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES ? / NO / IDK.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK.

Are they underrated?  YES / NO / IDK. [ maybe a little overrated ]

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO.

Were they relevant for the main character?  YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

Are they widely known in their world?  YES / NO.

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL. [ celebrity rock god of limitless talent vs inevitable overrated washup. most celebrities are polarizing anyways ]

How strictly do you follow canon?  — there isnt much canon to go off of i think? the album barely even states if ziggy is an alien and b*wie himself got really wishy washy about it (sometimes saying z is a human who was contacted by aliens, he was an alien himself, etc). i dont think we know anything about him besides what he looks like (red hair / weird eyes / pale / “well hung” lmao) and he has a band called the spiders from mars, he plays the guitar left handed, he’s bisexual + androgynous, and he’s charming and popular with the teens but inevitably is a victim of his own ego. and he dies.  that too.  but that’s literally it! we know Nothing else about him.  so i filled in all the gaps because my brain has worms.  theres a little bit of the story that verges on fantasy (that he’s some sort of messiah messenger for “the infinites,” whatever the fuck THAT means, david) so i nix that because i prefer hard scifi.  and theres one BIG part that i just ... deleted out of his canon, in that the world is ending in 5 years in his timeline, and he’s like ... aware of this ?  but that’s dumb and confusing.  i legit dont care anymore. my OC now.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.  —  im so embarrassed i know i could be genuine and actually try but i have brain blockajjolajlakala33lak33klak333ak3jka3akjj323j3 i guess it’s like ... ziggy is truly the ultimate expression OF humanity because he reveals everything both wrong and right about the human condition, he literally embodies the best of humanity and the worst at the same time, he’s a really interesting critique on the idea of genuineness/earnestness vs commercalism in art, the perils of fame, and also how humans are so inherently corrupting?  a lot of thematic stuff i like exploring is like what is innate to humans vs what is learned behavior, what are things that humans do naturally that ziggy mimics out of his desire to be like us?  i think he has a really good story arc -- he went from being a literal nameless CLONE in a society full of pragmatic forward thinking science-oriented people to a sell out rockstar celebrity in a society of people that value individualism and self expression and art, but in the process completely lost his mind and himself and gave into the worst that humanity has to offer like rampant selfishness, drug abuse, self destructive tendencies, etc. characters changing is always interesting and ziggy truly changes for the worse -- but he is never just black and white, he was never good and then suddenly evil, he just was always the same person putting on different facades and trying to be himself by constructing an identity that maybe was who he wanted to be versus who he actually is.  i dont know what im talking about. hes just an alien trying to be too hard to be human in all the wrong ways.   i just like how “gray” ziggy is. he isnt good or bad, he can be very nice and he can be very mean, he’s overtly showboating confident but at the same time deeply afflicted with self-consciousness (why tf else would anyone be So obsessed with how they present themselves?).  hes an icon of individualism but also commercialism.  he’s freakishly alien but is almost more human than humans themselves.  he struggles as lot in his head -- which makes for interesting writing, i guess !!  Im so emabrrased im not going to go back and read what i wrote so if i typoed dont look at me

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  —  i think ziggy comes across as really mean and nothing else.  his horrible bitchy rudeness comes across as hee hee hoo hoo sassy isnt he a rascal when it’s supposed to be more like ... he’s so far gone into the celebrity delusion he’s conflated aggressive rudeness with charmingness because no one told him otherwise and everyone worships him to the point where he’s just given into the delusion that he can do no wrong.  i think theres the general simplification problem that happens with a lot of fictional characters, it’s easy to see him as just a whacky sassy glittery quirky rockstar when i guess it avoids the inherent tragedy of like ... everything else about him. his totally fake and false sense of identity built up from superficial things like fame and labels and stardom.  maybe my version of ziggy is just too weirdly depressing and sad when i know his original iteration wasn’t quite so ... grim.  im not very sure tbh.  

What inspired you to rp your muse?  —  hmmm ... a lot of things! i just really got into b*wie stuff in early 2019, i’ve ALWAYS loved aliens and sci-fi, and i was really shocked that db sets up such great visual storytelling potential but does it through music.  i just really liked ziggys “story” and i like any chance to think about aliens so i just got invested into piecing together a little backstory for him using, like, the cumulative knowledge of literally every other piece of science fiction ive ever consumed in my life.  this was summer 2019 when i was making initial pitches for my thesis film, and so i just randomly decided to pitch “animated version of ziggy stardust” as one of the potential ideas.  shockingly everyone liked it a lot and so did my professor who thought it was really cool, and then i just ended up sticking with the character and working on him for an entire year.  ziggy became my hobby but also my homework.  he was such a fun character because everything about him was interesting to me and i had just enough source material to have a starting point but so much room to take him in any direction i wanted to.

What keeps your inspiration going?  —  honestly, yooooou guyssssss. i have some really amazing fwends that ive met thru here .... and some of our dumb stupid stories have literally become NOVEL length. it just self generates inspiration because you realize the limitless amount of stories you could tell with this one single character when your character enters his story or he enters their story and etc. etc.  ive drawn endless amounts of comics and stuff for him ... ziggy is just so endlessly interesting ...   cringe be cringed bro but recently (i know this sounds dumb bear with me or die.) ive kind of realized a lot of how i rp z comes as some metaphor for the experience of being an asian immigrant/being asian in the US -- his home “culture” is a lot stricter than the rampant selfish individualism of the usa (he only lives in the uk and usa, so he thinks the whole planet is like this), he’s dissuaded from standing out from his community and his selfishness becomes a community burden rather than a personal flaw, and when he does come to earth, he goes through such awful culture shock, literally nothing makes sense to him and everything is Different.  and while some things are different in a Nice way, something things are different in an Awful way, and he’s given the option between losing his true personal identity as an atominan and giving it up to be a human.  the allure of being a human is a little too much but losing yourself like this is traumatic, in a way.  obvs like ... a little silly and definitely not something that i actively intended to put into his story arc, its just something that fell into place cuz i guess i worked so closely with my own personal experiences and feelings of “alienation” (pun intended) to try to understand how he would feel being a literal alien an shid. its cathartic to write about him. but he also has a lot of my own personal interests just thrown in -- 70s fashion, scifi, science, tryhard implications about human nature, art history, whatever dumb nonsense i get into

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO / SOMETIMES?

Do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO  [ i would prefer information to spring up organically in the story but cuz threads always get dropped i end up just telling people outright. i didnt want anyone to know his home planet/his old name but barely anyone writes enough with ziggy to get to that point to reveal it (i legit managed to do it organically Once) so i just had to write it in a post lmao orz ]

Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES / NO [ wrote a ton of drabbles ! drew a ton of comics! ]

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO 

Are you confident in your portrayal?   YES / NO / I DUNNO?

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / HAHA NO.

Are you a sensitive person?  YES  / NO. / IDK ? 

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?  —  definitely!  like i said ... my version of ziggy ended up being the protag of my thesis film and for 1 yr straight his characterization, backstory, design, and even how i wanted to animate his fucking movements (ziggy stardust timing charts.) were beaten to death in a classroom environment, torn apart and rebuilt into something better.  had i stayed with what i originally wanted to go with, ziggy would be so different than how i write him 2day. amazingly my pre production professor is a literal two time emmy award winning storyboard artist and animator so he definitely helped me design him (my version of ziggy is meant for ... a cartoon, obviously, not real life) and give him a better backstory?  and my post production professor is a retired disney animator who worked on hercules and a bunch of old disney channel shows?  had i gone wah wah wah i dont want to hear ur critiques i wouldnt have made him better.  if you ever think ziggy seems inconsistent or poorly written ... tell me !! i literally major in ... animation. cartoons. entertainment.  my job is to entertain you. if you are not entertained, there is a problem.  ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED ????

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?  —  I LOVE QUESTIONS? i love ... answering questions ... if you ask me something ill come kiss you.

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?  —  sure! i dont know why that would happen, though, because i mean ... he’s an OC. but i gues someone could be like “i feel like this is incongruous to things you’ve previously established in his character” or somethin

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?  —  i feel like a lot of b*wie stans would find my version of ziggy weird but i mean thats fine!  i guess my goal is to have a well written character, not necessarily an accurate version of ziggy

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?  —  if you hate MY version of ziggy thats fine but if u hate ziggy stardust in general (like the bowie concept) then u need some taste what the fuck is cooler than a egomaniac genderless bisexual rockstar alien with red hair? nothing. go back to watching your CW shows you dirty filthy normie

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?  —  yes! dm me though. dont clown me on the dash like that.  i usually write your replies 12 AM - 4 AM so it’s expected.

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?   —  hmmm ... maybe! i do like to talk to people and i am VERY nice, trust me, if youre ever sad ill do everything i can to make you feel better. but im quiet! i dont really reach out to people and i tend to just keep to myself.  im not very social or extroverted at all haha i barely can make ooc posts without feeling like god’s coming to beat my head in with a brick. im sitting here at 5:30 AM with this meme feeling like if i post it i will die (BUT I MUST)

[imakemyownworld]

When The Party’s Over

Fanfic

So, I started writing this out of the blue. It was supposed to be smut but I decided to do it differently.

I usually write about things that Im familiar with and things I cant talk freely about in real life and well, this is it.

Plot: Isabella struggles with drug use, Ethan is her best friend and always there to help. Lucas is a guy she parties a lot with.

(English is not my first language and theres probably some bad grammar in here sorry)

Warnings: drug use

Part 1

Im a mess. Once again I was barely awake, sitting on a sidewalk waiting for him to pick me up. This happened countless times already. 4,5,6,7 AM calls for him to pick me up because Im too fucked up to even go home alone.

“Just send me your location, Ill be there” Ethan sleepily said through the phone. I needed a few minutes to send that location but he was there within 15 minutes already.

“Jesus Christ Bella” he got out of a car to help me get in. He brought a jacket with him and made me put it on.

“Im sorry” I tried to get up but he picked me up and lay me down in the backseat.

“Puke through the window” he said getting in the driving seat.

“I dont puke. You know this” I was half asleep already.

“What did you take?” Ethan was glancing at me in the rear mirror while speeding down the Hollywood boulevard. “Youre pale as fuck”

I didnt answer so he sighted.

“Im sorry” I repeated quietly.

Ethan was my best friend for my whole life and he hated to see me like this but he made me swear to call him every time I feel like I need him. I would hate if something happened to you while Im only one call away. He would say and I understood him because it was the same way around, just with some other things. Im mostly a good citizen, a good student and a good friend but I need to let some steam out from time to time so I go to parties and use some drugs. Nothing major, ecstasy or coke and I wouldnt go any further than that. Ethan didnt support this whatsoever but he learned to deal with it when he realized he couldn’t help.

I dont remember the drive home but I remember Ethan carrying me inside.

I sat down in his bathroom and smeared face wash all over my face then dragged myself in the shower and turned the water on while still sitting on the floor letting it drip all over me.

I woke up in dark, glass of water next to Ethans bed. I felt fine, drugs dont cause that much of a hangover as alcohol but more of a depression. Come down, they call it.

Are you home? I texted Ethan and he shortly entered his bedroom.

“Hi, you hungry? We’re ordering postmates” he asked

“Pancakes” I replied. He sat down on the bed and peddled with his phone for a bit.

“Im sorry” I looked at him. He was wearing his red pants and a gray hoodie.

“You’ve e apologized ten times already and I told you that you dont have to”

“I did? Sorry” I laughed “Was I stupid?”

“Hm” he lay down “You talked some gibberish in the car. About someone stealing your face” he looked at me and I looked at him confused.

“Fuck” Im such a mess. Hallucinating is pretty normal, but rarely happens to me.

“Who were you with?” E asked and I knew why.

“Emma, Rob, Ivy, Harry” I avoided the conformation.

“Lucas” he continued. I stayed silent so he rolled his eyes. “That guy is big trouble. Why do you have a thing for damaged goods?”

“Because Im damaged goods”

“Youre not” E sat down. He knew me but he didnt know my inner thoughts and struggles. He didn’t understand how all I want is forget the world for a few hours and have fun. Empty brain and a happy soul even if caused by chemicals in my body.

I got up slowly and went into the bathroom to look at my state. My pupils were still huge and I had black all around my eyes. I decided to shower again.

I had countless conversations with him about this subject. Ethan is the perfect boy. Hes smart, funny, handsome and good at everything he does. Im a fuck up. My family is fucked up, all my friendships and relationships were fucked up. Im depressed and anxious but somehow still manage to be good at college and everything I do while everything around me is falling apart. Or at least thats how it seems to me. I feel like I deserve this occasional indulgences to blow off some steam.

When I got out Ethan was still there.

“E we talked about this already. You cant do anything about it” I took a shirt from his closet and a pair of leggings I left one day for this kind of occasion.

“I know. But I feel terrible. It hurts me to see you like that”

That was the last thing I ever wanted to hear. I wish he could just leave it be. I love being able to count on him on nights like this because I need safety and love but I know it hurts him. I almost wanted to cry. I stood in the middle of the room just looking at him not knowing what to say so I just shrugged my shoulders.

“Dont cry. Its fine. Lets go, Gray and I were playing switch” he got up and pushed me in front of him.

I knew it wasnt fine and it wasnt fair of me to keep calling him so I promised myself this was the last time.

Gray was on the sofa scrolling through his phone.

“Hey party girl” he glanced at me and back to his phone.

“Hola” I took the sparkly water out of the fridge.

“Odyssey?”

“Smash bros”

“Meh, fine.” he threw me the controller and started the game. He was excellent at acting like he didnt know I was trashed the night before.

Soon after our food arrived and we were eating, watching netflix almost like a family. I loved these guys. I dont want to keep disappointing them.  

[713-4th-ward-g]

1 - 1OO 🤪

 this is so wild but i can’t sleep so ima give this a try lmao

1. A selfie? i dont like taking pictures

2. How old are you? im 22

3. What is your birthday? september 4th

4. What is your zodiac sign? ima virgo

5. What is your favorite color? blue or gold 

6. What’s your lucky number? my lucky number is 4

7. Do you have any pets? i had two dogs but one of them died 

8. Where are you from? im from houston, texas 

9. How tall are you? im like 5 foot 7 inchs maybe a lil more taller

10. What shoe size are you? ima size 10

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? shit before 2 years ago i only had 2 pairs of shoes but now i have 10 talk about the come up

12. What was your last dream about? damn i aint even going to lie. last night i had a dream of my tio luis who jus died. it started wit me in the kitchen and i heard some one knocking at the backdoor and when i opened it, it was my tio luis. and i stared in shocc like i couldn’t believe it. i told him in spanish how can you be here you died.. and he said no mijo im right here - as he laughs and enters- then i call my mom over and she started to cry right at his feet.. and im still just looking at him like hoping it wasnt a dream that if i wake up he’d be here.. and my uncle was just talking to me in spanish and im still there in the kitchen so happy that i can hear his voice again.. and im looking at him in his eyes and i see life like i see him so happy joking around.. he brought stuff from the dollar store.. like he always did.. and i swear i wanted to low key cry my eyes got watery when he finally started to leave through the back door. he just said “mijo ima go to sleep” and i didnt want to let him go to sleep. but he said “ i have to go im sleepy” then i hear him laughing as he closes the backdoor like he always did at nights..

13. What talents do you have? i am very talented in basketball 

14. Are you psychic in any way? i in no way have any psychic bone in my body haha.

15. Favorite song? i have so many favorite songs by tupac i cant pick but i would always listen to unconditional love by tupac

16. Favorite movie? my favorite movie is john q hahaha id hold up a hospital for my kid shitt

17. Who would be your ideal partner? someone who is compassionate and humble. she has to at least have those two charecteristics

18. Do you want children? i want 4 kids

19. Do you want a church wedding? i dont really want to have a weeding but if my wife would want one id do it.

20. Are you religious? yes but the way im living i cannot be one to preach. 

21. Have you ever been to the hospital? i have been to the hospital because i was having horrible chest pains

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? yeah i came across a few bitch ass cops. 

23. Have you ever met any celebrities? i met carlos mencia and k-rino

24. Baths or showers? showers definitely 

25. What color socks are you wearing? black socks 

26. Have you ever been famous? never been but i wouldn’t want to be known at all i rather stay in the background haha

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? i honestly wouldn’t want to be. i cant stand having so many people looking up to me and having the world all in my business. 

28. What type of music do you like? rap, oldies, soul music, and depends on some rock songs.

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? never and i will never do it lmao.

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? 8 pillows

31. What position do you usually sleep in? i sleep wit a whole bunch of pillows in one corner of my bed sleeping on my back

32. How big is your house? it isnt big at all 

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? i dont eat breakfast.

34. Have you ever fired a gun? i have fired a lot of guns

35. Have you ever tried archery? i am a natural at it lol i swear in high school the gym teacher wanted to put me on the team but i didnt want to commit to it.

36. Favorite clean word? would either be “interesting” or “ ridiculous “

37. Favorite swear word?i say fucc a lot but my favorite would be saying son of a bitch

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? 3 or 4 days 

39. Do you have any scars? i have a scar on my shoulder where a bullet graced me and i have a scar on my left arm where i left the led from bullet shrapnel in it wit some glass because i didnt want to tweeze it out. its just some white spots on my left arm 

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? i wish ya boy never even had a valentine before

41. Are you a good liar? i could be but i would rather not lie. it saves me from havin to remember a lie.

42. Are you a good judge of character? i would say im right most of the time about a person. i told noe not to fuck with playboy luis and noe didnt listen and playboy snitched out noe and now they both locked up in garza east pen

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? i have done a british accent, i have done the Ugandan knuckles do you know the way accent, i have done cholo accent before lmao. im actually ridiculously good at the cholo accent.

44. Do you have a strong accent? some times i do but for the most part i do not.

45. What is your favorite accent? spanish accent 

46. What is your personality type? ima caring person that has a quick fuse and isnt afraid to speak what i feel about anything. oh and i like to joke around a lot.

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? i own some gucci flip flops thats the most expesive clothing i ever own haha. 

48. Can you curl your tongue? i can do a taco wit my tongue

49. Are you an innie or an outie? what does this mean ? lmao. im so confused. but if this means if i like being inside than go out i would be inbetween. i go out when i want to get stuff out my mind.

50. Left or right handed? right handed

51. Are you scared of spiders? i hate them and i will kill them on sight.

52. Favorite food? chicken and potatoes i live off of them

53. Favorite foreign food? i havent expirienced curry yet and definetly not enough foreign food but i only tried chiniese and vietniese food. 

54. Are you a clean or messy person? both lmao. when im depressed i just throw stuff around but when im back to normal i be like hella clean and i like to reoganize stuff.

55. Most used phrased? “get em outta here coach” or “koooobe”

56. Most used word? “wtf” that counts as one word lol.

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? 30 minutes

58. Do you have much of an ego? i do not have any kind of ego and im grateful for it,

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? bite i literally bite cough drops and my homie told me you’re told thats not how you’re suppose to take them .

60. Do you talk to yourself? i actually have caught myself talking to myself a lot of times lmao.

61. Do you sing to yourself? i sing/rap a few songs

62. Are you a good singer? i am terrible at it

63. Biggest Fear? my biggest fear is not being happy 

64. Are you a gossip? i dont like gossiping at all.

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen? double jeopardy 

66. Do you like long or short hair? depends on how short the girl has it and how long. but for the most part i would say long.

67. Can you name all 50 states of America? i can do up to like 20

68. Favorite school subject? math and science

69. Extrovert or Introvert? im an ambivert which is both extrovert and introvert. 

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? no i haven't but i wish i could have when i was at florida

71. What makes you nervous? sendin a risky text lmao idk.

72. Are you scared of the dark? no but my house is haunted tho i got used to shit missing and popping up again. the previous owners were devil worshipers and had pentagram and goat blood on the walls of the ceiling 

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? no, i dont want to emberass the person if they say something dumb but if thet did something that needs to be addressed then yeah ima say something

74. Are you ticklish? kind of

75. Have you ever started a rumor? i started a lot of rumors that celeberties are dead when really i meant they career is dead lmao.

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? idk what this means 

77. Have you ever drank underage? hell yeah my uncle used to pass me beer when i was 7 years old

78. Have you ever done drugs? i have done xanax, lean, and smoke weed

79. Who was your first real crush? some girl name stephanie in kindergarden haahaaha if that dont count then a girl name yahaira hahahaa i had a crush on her since 1st grade and dated her in 8th grade but i got expelled from the school and lost contact wit her.

80. How many piercings do you have? 0

81. Can you roll your Rs?“ im columbian and mexican of course haha

82. How fast can you type? apparently not fast enough ahahaha

83. How fast can you run? bfore i gained a lot of weight i could run pretty fast 

84. What color is your hair? black

85. What color is your eyes? brown

86. What are you allergic to? im allergic to hay it gives me rashes haha. oh an tomatoes. 

87. Do you keep a journal? no but i wish i did cause it would be therapeutic 

88. What do your parents do? work

89. Do you like your age? hell no i feel way to old i miss being young.

90. What makes you angry? when someone lies

91. Do you like your own name? i honor my name lmao im named after two people

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? Xavier and mia for the most part

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? i want whatever God gives me.

94. What are you strengths? i dont give up easily i am determined and i am competetive 

95. What are your weaknesses? i overthink and can be a bit negative.

96. How did you get your name? my dad named me after his brother an himself

97. Were your ancestors royalty? hell nah 

98. Do you have any scars? on my shoulder and left arm

99. Color of your bedspread?blue

100. Color of your room? blue

[theworldisone]

School Burnout

I feel so uninspired by school lately. Like I’m just going through the motions, not actually getting anything out of it or interesting with the material. I’m not thinking, just hoping to get through the class without feeling like a fucking nuisance to everyone. It doesn't make any sense but like i swear people clear their throat and cough more when I’m around as if they are responding to some energy I’m putting out, and i cant control. Maybe I’ve made that situation up in my head and the feelings i feel when it happens are just confirmation bias but i also just feel like I’m a defective human being and I’m hurting everyone around me. Like when I mess up my thoughts or get caught in what feels like a knot in my thinking around something bad (like morally bad that i shouldn't be thinking about or doing) someone clears their throat or coughs and then its like why the fuck are you paying attention to me like that like leave me the fuck alone. and then I get mad. I get so fucking mad that I cant think straight and I start listing off the reasons why they are wrong for doing what they are doing in my head as if they can sense that, as if that is doing anything. I just want them to shut up, i just want them to go away, i want them to stop judging me and let me be free. Let me think for myself. Does it have something to do with me not knowing how to be a part of discussion? I DONT KNOW because I’ve felt this weird fucking inability to be solitary for so fucking long, ever since leading up too my hospitalization in 20 fucking 13. Its been 5 years. I just want to be myself. I'm always thinking that's whats going on internally is being reflected externally by other people. I sometimes get free of it but then I’m hyper vigilant about entering in that state again which causes me to enter back into it. I'm fucking losing it, I want to punch random strangers for breathing aggressively. I would never act on it but I want them to feel the rage and pain I feel inside every single second of every single day when I’m in public, and how their minor annoyance multiplies my suffering tenfold into something they could never even comprehend because they are goddamn fucking neurotypicals and I hate them. I want them all to die. I hate everyone because it feels like im on the outside looking in, and they all know what to do with themselves and even if they have anxiety its about things that might happen to them not things that they are doing and things that are happening to them that they don’t understand but everyone fucking else seems too. I genuinely feel alone in this world, except for a few moments with a few close friends, and I don’t even really want those moments anymore cause it just means were both suffering and I don’t want my friends to suffer, especially not for my broken ass. I’m so fucking sick of this world and not understanding how to live in it that I just want to die every single day. All the anti-depressants are doing is numbing me to this feeling but making it more routine, making me feel as if Ill always feel this way. At least when I am off them and the mood stabilizers I can feel myself and I know that these moods and states are just certain ways of being and there are others I can achieve, instead of feeling like a locked in robot with a label of mentally ill which doesn't even feel like the fucking problem. It just feels like I’m blind to the world. It just feels like my mind or inner eye or what the fuck ever cant see the things its supposed to see. Sometimes it feels like it needs glasses and sometimes it just feels like Ill be forever fucked. I honestly wish someone could explain all this to me but somehow I feel like that's against the rules or something, probably just another psychotic mind fuck cognitive distortion i made up for myself all those years ago. I’m so sick and tired. I just want someone to care, and to fucking know how to care. how to fix me. cause im broken.

and everybody knows that a broken heart is blind.

[ashavant]

The American University System: Oppressing the non-elite.

So let me get this straight...in the 70's there was a community outcry to lower the amount of tax money that got put towards college tuition for future generations? American tax payers used to cover over 70% of college costs, allowing the young students straight out of highschool the ability to work a minimum wage summer job to literally pay their entire tuition. Those with part time jobs while in school were not very common. This allowed for an ability to succeed without the unnecessary baggage of financial stress and lack of sleep at 18 years old while taking 14+ credits, which for those of you who dont know is a true 40-60 hour work week alone. All of this hard work and achievement paved the way for these kids to enter adulthood as educated, debt free, and with the world at their fingertips. Not to mention, they had the incredible privilege of not having to become a self sufficient adult in the middle of the worst economic crisis since the depression...

Compare that romantic reality to our drastically different reality today. I will use my experiences as an example for this, while probably on the extreme spectrum of experiences, they are valid and carry merit nonetheless. I was always told as a child, "you have to go to college, its not an option" Yet, when i graduated highschool, my parents grew quiet. I grew up in a 5 person household in Orange County, CA (one of the most expensive places to live in the country) in a family who made roughly $40k a year, give or take (thats poverty folx). My step-father was an electrical contractor so income was often spuratic. Anyway, needless to say they had not one penny saved for my college tuition. My parents failed to put a single penny aside for anything regarding my well-being honestly. With no car, no money, no job, and no idea when or how I could recieve a college education, I was kicked out of my parents at 17 years old with nowhere to go. I couch surfed and was able to get a couple jobs, one at a crafts store and one at a sandwhich shop. After 2 long years of working my way out of homelessness, all I wanted was to start college! So, at age 19 I applied for financial aid. However, I was told because I was under 25 I needed my parents tax information. Well, my parents never filed on time and were incredible dodgy with communication. So, after months of going back and forth I ended up paying out of pocket for a full time coarse load at a community college. I was able to work my jobs and pay this, but with nothing left over for rent or food. I ended up getting kicked out of my place, had to apply for foodstamps, and had to start over from square one. Little did I know I would have to wait 5 years before I could finally give college another shot.

I had almost given up the idea of higher education. I was making good money in the food industry at this point and had a nice company car and a great home with an awesome roommate. But then, I met a boy. We traveled the country for three months with his bluegrass band and saw 32 states. Afterwards, we again found ourselves broke and homeless. We hunkered down, worked 80+ hour weeks, saved up, and moved to Portland Oregon, "where young people go to retire". Little did we know, retire would be the LAST thing we did when we got there. Cost of living was rising in Portland, but still nothing compared to Orange County, CA. We got good food jobs and nested for about a year. My boyfriend (we will call him N) got great grades in highschool and high test scores in his exit exams, so in 2014 he chose to get back into school as a Music Composition Major at age 26. His journey is a whole other terrible story. I wanted to return to school so badly, but knew I had to wait until I was old enough to not warrant my parents tax info. Finally, at age 24 I filed my FAFSA and went to a career counselor. I was directed in the career of Civil Engineering. Having no prior knowledge of this career or topic, I dove in blindly headfirst. I chose a community college due to the fact that I barely finished highschool and did not take ant exit exams. To my surprise, I did very well in my college settings. After one year I was able to transfer to a university! Me! I WAS GOING TO A UNIVERSITY! I could not believe it, and was soo excited. I had no clue how hard this would be, not the work, but just surviving through it. I should mention here that I have a mild dissability. I have endometriosis which is a chronic illness linked to hormones, ovarian cysts, and all that jazz which can result in disabling pain and in my case an emergency surgery from time to time. I also suffer from a mild form of PTSD. So, with those alone handling high stress loads can be very hard on my mental and physical well being.

Ok, so I was a 24 year old first generation college student (first person in my family to go to college) disabled lower class person wanting a higher education. Seems logical right? Well, once I got accepted to the university, I chose to change my major to Architecture, I had taken an intro class for general ed and fell inlove. My beginning of my first year was great! Lots of lectures and reading. Aside from my tuition multiplying literally 3x from my community college tuition which did not affect my financial aid disbursement, I was fairly stress free. Now keep in mind, my partner and I are both working 20-30 hour weeks to make ends meet while taking 12-14 credits. Its basically having 2 full time jobs. Anyway, the last term of my first year came around-my first studio class. I was so excited! Time to actually do architecture! I got the syllabus and was told was supplies were needed to be successful in the class. I was also told that doing all of the requirements for the assignment would result in a C grade, if any grade above that was desired extra work had to be put in. I thought, no biggie, bring it on. The next thing she said was, "absolutely no sleeping in the studio!" Thats when I had a feeling I was gonna be in trouble. After class I went to the art store got my supplies. I almost started crying as they read my total to me: "$682.80, please." And that was with my student discount and not including all of the future supplies I would need just for that term, which I will tell you now after all the drawings and models ended up being about $2,000. That is a whole lot. These studio classes also require many all-nighters just to have enough time to complete the assignments. Many times, due to having to work outside of school I could not complete my assignments or had to do them with less craft and care than I would like just to turn it in. This year, I recieved less in financial aid, my rent has gone up significantly, tuition went up, and there are new grade requirements: if you get anything less than a B-, youre immediately dropped from the school of Architecture. So, not completing assignments isnt an option anymore. This last term costed my much less money, but once I told my instructor I was out of money, his response was, "well, this is Architecture school." What the fuck am I supposed to do with that!? A roll of Velum (drafting design paper) costs $50-$70 pencils are $2 a piece, models cost like $100 each, the list of tools go on and on. I am already paying $10k a year for tuition, ensuring at the very least $70k of debt including my masters degree which you need to get your Architecture license. And at least $100k with the $500 a month I need to borrow a month for rent. I should not need to add thousands more of that for supplies my school should be providing. And this insane pressure of pulling all nighters to get done the amount of assignments it would take us to do in a whole week last term in 2 days!

The moral of this very long story is that college is not meant for those of us trying to climb the life ladder. Its meant for the already elite. Its meant for kids right out of highschool with parents who make enough money to pay their tuition, their rent, their whole lives! Meant for kids who travel to Europe for the summer instead of working 60 hours a week to make up for the money lost during school cuz you physically cannot work more than 25 hours. Its meant for kids who can call their mommies and complain about how mean their teacher is, not for those of us who cry every night about being afraid of ending up back on the streets in the snap of a finger. Its meant for kids who can work and think about school all day every day, not those of us preoccupied with being able to pay all of our bills and being able to afford food and health insurance.

HOWEVER, even if you are like me, worse, or better, YOU CAN DO IT! I have a damn 3.7 GPA. I may only get 3 hours of sleep a lot, cry almost weekly, probably have lost years of my life due to stress, and feel scared for my health, but shit IM FUCKING DOOOOIN IT! Even though our government, or school presidents, and pretty much everyone in power disagrees, you are so worth it and you are so capable of success no matter how much harder you have to work than everyone else. Because we have to work so much harder now, we will get to party that much harder when we make it. I WILL GRADUATE IN SPITE OF THE SYSTEM! I WILL SUCCEED IN SPITE OF THE SYSTEM! I WILL CHANGE THE FUCKING WORLD CUZ I AM A BADASS AND CAN DO ANYTHING YOU PRIVELEDGED FUCKS CAN DO, JUST BETTER!

[fumi-gogo]

.. out of my fucking mind again

26 Nov 17 I wrote this like a suicide note but I’m not going to kill myself, just trying to really get everything out of my system I know this is incredibly selfish of me, but I probably deserve to do one thing for myself. I hope after this, you will be able to live a little comfortably and have the types of holidays you’ve always wanted Joyce. I know Ive never been one to celebrate anything so I’m sorry Ive wasted your time for the past 4 years. I was really happy with you and I thought we would grow old together, Im sorry I didn’t see how much I was pushing you away and making you despise me. I was so hurt when you came home from tech school, when I was crying and I would look in your eye, they were so empty and I just saw frustration and disgust for me. Im sorry I have to inconvenience everyone again one more time but hopefully this will be the last time unless I fuck this up like everything else in my life. I hate the way I see myself in the mirror, Im so gross and I hate the way people talk to me as If I am a man. Its gross and I hate when people are seeking some weird validation from me about their masculine tendencies or habits. Being transgender has already destroyed my relationship with the person I’ve loved for a long time and I don’t know if I could survive it tearing another person I love away from me. Ive tried to be ok with the direction our relationship has gone but it hurts. It might have been so much easier to just keep everything to myself and just be happy with what life gave me. It hurts every day and theres nothing I can do to fix that and it sucks and I hate myself for the way I feel. Her laugh was always my favorite, ,the last time I remember making her laugh and happy was when I teased her about how she recited her phone number over the phone. That was the laugh I would think about when I would cry myself to sleep missing her. We never really had anything in common though, I don’t know why I was so in love. The way things ended made me realize what it felt like to really not be cared about, despite everything I was struggling with and trying to fix about myself. I started talking to Debs because she talked about a lot of things I had interests in and wanted to talk about that I’ve never been able to talk about before. She always had the best recommendations for books and movies and I enjoyed everything she ever recommended. We are both very broken people but I wish I could have been there for her more, she deserves better than she has to deal with now. I hope she is truly happy someday. If you can Joyce, please try to give some of my sgli to her, I want to be able to do something more for her. I wanted to be creative and I wanted to be an artist, I never put in the work or time I needed to though I just failed and I had to drop out of school to join the Air Force. It was exciting at the beginning, but then I hated myself more and more and I was always tired and I hated waking up to put on the same uniform every day. Then somehow we got this clown on a president who doesn’t really give two shits about anyone other than himself and I really just lost all motivation, what is the point of anything when someone who will run the country into the ground somehow gets voted into office. I feel like I’m a smart person and that I understand people and I get along with them very well. People gossip to me all the time and tell me things for reasons I don’t know, maybe somehow they know I won’t tell anyone else, maybe I just give off that friendly of a vibe. I get it though, I empathize with people very strongly, when I hear other people criticize something, I get confused how they can’t see it from another point of view. Im just rambling, Im afraid I will miss saying something important while I have the chance. Im going to miss a lot of people but I’ve had people enter and leave all my life and I don’t really have any long time friends anyways so whatever I guess. Im sorry that I pushed myself back into your life again debs just to leave so suddenly like this, I should have just kept to myself. I was forced to go to church almost all of my life but I can never really remember have any interest in it at all, but won’t it be interesting to see what the other side is actually like I don’t really see a future for me here, anywhere. I’ve always been bad with money, I’m impulsive with it, I just buy what I want and Joyce had gotten any about it with me but I besides the initial guilt I don’t really feel anything. If I stop now while I’m not in too big of a hole, I won’t be a burden to anyone else for much longer and I can still do some good for the people I love. I won’t be any use to anyone in the future when I’m completely dysfunctional. I wish I could have traveled, seen places outside of the US. Japan, Korea, London, Brazil, etc… 7 billion plus people in the world and I never got to see a fraction of it To my family also, I love you all, I really do. Im sorry I didnt talk to you more, I was always scared of what I might say and how you might respond, I have always hidden most of who I am and kept secrets just to fit in and to get the things that I thought would make me happy. Gender sucks and I don’t know anything about funerals but please at least they to keep It gender neutral and don’t invite too many people, I never talked to anyone so it feels like most people who would even show up would just feel in-genuine. Being referred to as a guy has made me feel uncomfortable for a long time so I always hoped no-one noticed when I said they/their whenever I was talking about myself in the third person. Referred to as a she would be nice too but whatever. Please take care of yourself Joyce and please just find happiness with someone who could provide you with what I couldn’t, you deserve the absolute best. Im really sorry Debs, I made you uncomfortable by getting too attached to you too fast, at first I was probably just trying to fill a void in my heart but after a few weeks, i would go through the day looking forward to talking to you about your ideas and your passions, I loved how you were chasing dreams and I wanted to be there for you to cheer you on. I know you deal with a lot of your own problems but it was more important to me to help you through those that dump all my bs onto you. I wish I could have done more for you, I hope you live a long and happy life and you get to fulfill your dreams and your goals. Your voice messages always made my heart race, your voice was so cool and attractive and your selfies in your button ups made you look so badass, you are amazing. Also, no-one looks better and more awesome in a leather jacket than you ------ Im not going to kill myself Im not that selfish. It is a very curious thing though. I wondered how writing a suicide note would make me feel and I feel ok I guess. Its not ok for me to be this selfish, I have always been selfish, doing things for myself and to get things for myself. Theres things I still forgot to write though. I never knew what it was like to be angry until I felt like I knew what it was like to be cheating on. If I try to think about everything from an outside perspective, I wasn’t the only one being selfish. I don’t think I deserve to be treated the way I was, We were married and we were partners, we owe each other more than a stupid text message to end our marriage. And to hide things like going on dates behind my back while I’m in this kind of depressive and anxious state. What the fuck. But it did make it clear to me how you felt and it made it easy to accept that you don’t give a good god damn about me despite what you try to tell me. Seeing the kind of guy you're with now made it clear what type of guy was your type, and it was very clear that me as a guy was not your type, what the fuck were we even doing together Suicide is a very scary thing and for some reason you’re not allowed to admit you’ve had thoughts about it or else you get locked up and whatever, all I did was cut myself before and I was in a mental ward for 3 days. I drank and take a ton of ambient to sleep the day away, I always feel better after venting and sleeping. 

  I guess this is how I start year 26… Im going to be the person I was always supposed to be and I am going to be happy someday, and hopefully I’ll be able to share my life with someone who will actually love me